How much of a tsunami do you have in you? When I think of emotions the image that springs to mind is the sea. It is vast, seemingly endless, very much affected by the weather. There are parts of the world where the seas mood can change in the blink of an eye, catching those who sail on her totally unaware, sadly sometimes it can be fatal but in other parts of the world the sea reacts very differently, taking longer to gather pace and even though the storm could be full of rage it never causes shipwrecks! What type of a sea resides in you? Unfortunately for me, and those around me, I have a sea that reacts with such speed and such intensity there is rarely time to recognise that there’s even a storm coming. My ocean though with the passing of time has changed beyond recognition, in my young years mostly it was very calm, almost like glass, the reflections were sharp, pristine, providing much clarity but I would say the weather surrounding my ocean was very calm, the disturbances barely causing ripples. At age thirty eight the weather became dark, stormy, turning the gentle sea into a violent intruder. It’s been the hardest thing to live with, often I batten down the hatches, retreat into the relative safety of my cabin, I ride the waves and hold on with all my might, very few people have understood or stayed, the ocean just simply is to dark, too scary. The people that remained are the treasure amongst the wreckage!

There is no doubt about it that sometimes in life you come across ‘Trash!’ Well normally trash goes in the bin doesn’t it? Sometimes I think we should have an internal trash bin, a bit like the sort you have on a pc, you look at whatever it is, decide you don’t like it and whoosh it’s sent off to be disposed of never to return. I guess there are people that do have the skill to deal with the everyday trash that comes their way but what about the trash that catches you completely off guard, you know, the sort that knocks you off your feet? We all of us get ourselves into situations that we would rather not have, situations that we could not possibly have foreseen! I’ve been pretty rubbish at communicating when I’m unhappy about something tending to hold on to resentment which turns into frustration and then ultimately anger. (Trash!) Communication is key I’m told and yet I’ve communicated with sensitivity, words carefully chosen, before the resentment started to build, I’ve used brisk walks in order to dispel the negativity that threatened. The ‘Trash’ returned the next day bigger and tougher, the skip full to the brim and yet still it keeps coming. I have felt overwhelmed by it, buried in the utter stench of it. I’m trying to work out what I do with this trash given that there doesn’t appear to be a bin big enough to hold it. I need to sit with my thoughts, to process the chaos, to create some clarity. Perhaps the sense of knowing and understanding who I am and what I stand for is my waste disposal unit.

Imagine you live your life as though you are a sat nav…you’re travelling down the highway of life trying to find your way, to fit in, to be a member of the club! You think you’re doing ok but virtually everyday you’ve realised that you’ve veered off course though you’re not really sure when you lost your way. This little voice says, ‘Recalibrating,’ the zap of confusion knocks you slightly off balance, it takes a while to find that steady ground that felt so sure underfoot. Does this ever happen to you?

In my life from a very very young age I learnt to observe, I payed close attention especially when people were displaying anger. So here I am, presently in a state of utter confusion, I’d started to feel angry, unhappy with the things happening around me. I decided to break the habit of a lifetime of letting things build up inside and voice my feelings! Ever aware of other people’s feelings I tread carefully, I am gentle (I think), choosing my words carefully, holding onto the tears pricking behind my eyes, the tears that are there because I’m daring to speak out! To trust that the message I’m trying to convey will be acknowledged, validated. It isn’t! I can see from the looks on the faces, the body language being displayed and my heart sinks, my mood drops and the claws of fear grip my heart, my throat closes and that little voice ‘recalibrating’ starts to grab my attention. Well, I’m at a loss because I’ve acted in a different way, less reactionary, no anger a simple reaching out and I’ve failed. Or have I?

It was once said to me by a body therapist, ‘Rachel, if your mood is dictated by the mood of others you’re going to have a pretty hard time living your life!’ Thought provoking, well for me anyway because my mood is very much determined by the mood of those around me. Negativity seems to zap all of my happy cells, I can wake in a really happy mood full of energy and enthusiasm, especially when I’m doing something out of the ordinary, like going on holiday or to some social event. I admit that sometimes my bubbly personality can be a bit overwhelming for the quieter person, when I’m ‘on form’ I’m like a Berocca tablet, positively bursting with the fizz that gives you whizz! My mood doesn’t just drop though, it’s a slow and steady decline, like the ebb and flow of the tides on some distant shore and once it drops to a certain level there is no chance of retrieval. Like the clouds covering the sun the gloom descends and I am forever lost in a sea of hurt and disappointment. I wonder then if you are touched by life in this way?

It feels like I’m in a time machine and I’ve drifted to this wonderful island called Lanzarote but of course the time machine was actually a plane. The opportunities in life can be sprung upon you with very little warning and this in itself can create real challenges, for there are people that can roll with the punches, go with the flow and others where the mind can cruelly inhibit, putting obstacles in the way. The ‘What ifs.’ The practice of jumping hurdles then can be a useful skill, the tools to navigate through the twists and turns of everyday life essential but what happens when you haven’t developed these skills or acquired the tools? Chaos is what happens, well that’s my experience anyway. There is however always someone out there willing to help and to share their knowledge, all you have to do is look and keep looking. Don’t give up hope.

Hi. Oh nooooo I hear you cry, another blinking blog on living with depression. For me though, having lived with chronic depression for just over a third of my life I never just skip past another’s story, who knows what pearl of wisdom that brave soul might share. The titbit that could bring a shaft of light into the gloom that wreaks havoc with your life! And so, I hope you don’t pass by without feeling just a little bit curious.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton