Withdraw, retreat!

This morning the tears have come to say hello. They’ve been around for a few days, making there presence felt with the pricking behind my eyes.

There’s an army inside my head, the army of thoughts that create such havoc as they take me to the battlefield. I tried to escape them, took my wee dog for a walk, pounded the pavement whilst the army pounded the inside of my head.

How do you measure your worth, what makes you feel valuable, like you matter in this world? How do you argue with a mind that’s telling you that you are of little importance in this world, when it’s backed up by those that you love both family and friends, not all of course but so very many.

The pain of not feeling like I was enough started with my mother in very early childhood. There is no blame here, no anger towards my mum, not anymore, counselling, years of it helped me with my feelings around my mum. I’m I guess mostly ambivalent towards her, it is a nice state really, sort of peaceful. I resigned myself to the feeling of not being important, not worth any sort of effort.

I’m all at sea though…today anyway. Grieving lost family, lost friendships. Struggling to understand why others are accepted for who they are, even though they’ve been really cruel, they’ve been forgiven. The phone calls are made, visits and efforts made to keep the contact. I am wondering why it is that I’ve accepted people for who they are, their strengths, their mistakes, their joys, their sadness, in short the whole person and yet that same gift is not reciprocal. I’m thinking about the efforts I’ve made and continue to make. I’m wondering about family, about friendships. I’m thinking, ‘What’s the point?’

I reached out, I shared my thoughts with my husband. I shed my tears and he gave me a hug and I thank god for this man who has shown true love, friendship and loyalty. I reached out to a friend, who reminded me to embrace the positives, to focus on the positives. I’ve heard her, it’s resonated and I thank this truly lovely lady.

If your reading this and you’re feeling sad, alone, all at sea. Then reach out, reach out and connect and please know dear friend that I too am here to listen, to hold your hand, to give you a hug.

Today though the army feels to big, to powerful. I shall retreat, withdraw, surrender to what is!

So, today I am sad, terribly sad.