The intruder!

Mr suicide, yes I’ve given him a gender, Mr suicide definitely feels like a male entity, he’s dark, powerful, moody and unpredictable!

I can’t recall my first suicide attempt, funny that, it’s not something you would think you’d forget is it? Strangely I can’t remember how many attempts I’ve made either. What I know is that when Mr Suicide decides to pay a visit it’s usually unannounced, no phone call to say ‘Hey are you free, thought I might pop in and say hello?’ No, he doesn’t work quite like that, well not in my case. The suicide attempts have been made during times of huge stress, unplanned, spontaneous and brought on by events that have quite literally knocked me off my feet!

The depression was insidious, it crept up like a black panther, stalking, circling, stealthily waiting to pounce. I was unaware of what was happening, I just remember feeling tired a lot. Days out with the family were becoming harder, where there was once joy all I felt was an overwhelming exhaustion! Work became harder too, starting off with the fatigue and ending with me feeling so totally out of place. I felt uneasy, like I was on a completely different planet, everything felt unfamiliar. It finally followed me home. I remember sitting listening to my daughter with her friends, they were all having a sleep over, a bunch of teenagers just hanging out, normally I would love the feeling of the house being filled with fun and laughter but I just felt so totally disconnected, like a stranger in my own home, like a stranger on the planet! It’s the loneliest feeling I’ve ever experienced and I hope I never have to go through it again!

I would in fact separate depression from suicide, which I know sounds odd. Depression I would say has saved my life on many occasions, as I write this I can see in my minds eye a look of confusion in you, the reader. My experience of depression is black, exhausting, there is no energy, the mind is saying, ‘Get up, move, c’mon move!’ My body though would not move, no matter how much cajoling or scolding or bribing, the weight was just too great! So although in my state of depression I might wish to be dead, the energy it would take to actually take my own life simply wasn’t there.

The depression was brought on by a series of life changing events, blow after blow, powerful gut wrenching, they just kept coming, it felt like I had just enough strength to pick myself up to recover a sense of equilibrium when wham the sickening thud of another boulder hurtling towards me and I hit the decks! Now in my middle thirties my marriage was in crisis, two children who, independently of each other, started their own struggle with life. Men who were in relationships with people I loved started behaving inappropriately, a move to a new home and I fell in love with my therapist. The catalyst though, the final straw, the event that brought my carefully constructed internal scaffolding crashing down was the loss of my job. Bullied by a teacher almost half my age, a teacher who had bullied the previous teaching assistant, a young lady whom I’d successfully worked with for a whole school year suddenly became unfriendly, uncommunicative and systematically dismantled the role that I had so enjoyed. Unable to find an answer I turned to the line manager. There were countless meetings along with the countless upsets. I stuck at it for around nine months trying desperately to find a solution. I’d had seven years of an unblemished record whilst the teacher had two years. I had worked successfully with my colleagues, the children and parents with no problems, the teacher on the other hand had managed to make two grown women very ill, using the power of her position to destroy their careers but of course we were just teaching assistants and clearly easier to replace. The feeling of impotence and injustice for me was the worst, I couldn’t ‘fix it,’ in fact the school paid for me not once but twice to go and see a private psychiatrist in order to get a diagnosis. He was brilliant, picking up the characteristic of taking the blame, the people pleaser working tirelessly to try and make amends. There was however nothing to be done and although the school found a different classroom for me to work in I never fully recovered. In the end I became so ill that I had to take time off. Occupational health were finally brought in to do an assessment. I remember a very kind lady sitting in my home telling me, “Rachel you need to give up work and concentrate on your health.” That was it, that was the end of my career as a nursery nurse/teaching assistant, the end of me being able to work in a nine to five job! That was the start and that was twenty two years ago.

Suicide on the other hand requires action, it needs energy, like a lightning bolt, it strikes with such force, such power, no thought processing going on. It’s completely reactive. Agony it’s an agony and a panic that creates the belief that death is infinitely the better option! I realise as I’m writing this that what actually happens is that a situation occurs that pushes me into a crisis, that my body goes into the flight, fight mode but oddly enough it’s not looking to survive! Suicide also is completely disassociated with who or what you’ve got in your life, completely disconnected from love, success, good health, popularity or wealth! Your mind is sick, terribly terribly sick, the unwanted intruder makes his presence felt. He taunts, provokes, robs you of clear thinking, he denigrates, bullies, he’s persistent an ever pervasive dark entity and he sits in your head, he’s so very patient and he’s waiting for the next ‘crisis!’