Today I am sharing what it feels like to live with depression.
I’m caught in the grasp of a deep depressive episode, seven days now! I knew it would come. Reactive depression it’s called brought on by the events of two weeks ago. It’s dark and terribly lonely. I feel like Darth Vader or that man in The Iron Mask! The world has turned grey it’s lost all its colour! I just want to sleep, to sleep my life away to take a pill and just drift away. Life is hard, really hard when the darkness comes to visit. It’s a feeling like no other, no energy, no joy, just dread, I open my eyes and deep dark dread, a sticky black tar that sits in my body, a weight that pushes me down. I am heavy, too heavy! I have felt worse, I know I have, I’m reminding myself as I lay on my bed with the sun streaming through my window. I’m remembering days when I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t shower, no food consumed. Yesterday I went to the job centre (I did at least manage to do that) to fill out the forms to claim benefits, fighting to hold onto the tears that were threatening to spill out. The chap was a kind man, I even managed a laugh whilst inside I was drowning. I feel shame, dreadful humiliating shame at the fact that I’m now unemployed! The effort it took, it was exhausting! Hubby was there, god what a support he is, his kind words of wisdom as he spoke. I kept hearing the chaps voice telling me how lucky I was to have such a husband and I am indeed very lucky but oh how vulnerable I feel. Money or not earning is for me huge, I want to say if I can’t work, if I become a burden then why can’t you give me a pill to end it all? I don’t want to live off the state, don’t want to have to rely on the generosity of another….I’d rather be dead!
Today I took my dog for a walk, the tears hiding behind my eyes, thank goodness for dark glasses and then as I approached my home hubby there with arms outstretched, a welcomed hug. I made a card too, at least I’ve done that! Sleep is what I crave, to go under the duvet, to close my eyes and drift off! It scares me this feeling for it feels like it will go on forever. When I’m like this nighttime becomes my friend, I welcome the dark that comforts and soothes along with the brandy that numbs the anxiety, the feeling of a million tiny ants crawling inside my tummy calmed with a nice wee tot. Oh I’ve listened to the doctors and psychiatrists too…’Do you drink Rachel? You know it acts as a depressant!’ I’m not stupid though, for I know when it’s useful, I know too that the drugs won’t help, well not unless it’s a diazepam!
So to all you fellow sufferers, who might be reading this. You are not alone! And tomorrow might just be the day when the darkness lifts.
Rachel’s blog 