Mary Poppins bag.

My mind feels like Mary Poppins bag, the amount of stuff in there, it seems endless! Thought after thought being pulled from what feels like the wreckage of life. well actually pulled is the wrong word, I’m not doing any pulling they are positively flowing, gushing like water from a broken pipe, it feels like my mind is broken as I try and fathom what’s going on in there.

I’m teary today and have been since returning home from the holiday from hell! I thought it was a gift from the universe, ‘Here you are Rachel, you’ve earned this.’ Ten days in the sun with a man whom I have much love for and two carers whom I really liked, what’s not to like? I knew of course that ‘ The man’ would be challenging to be with but felt unperturbed as I was for the first time in eleven years going as a friend and not in the role of ‘carer.’ It went horribly wrong, my worst ever holiday and I’ve had a few over the years that have been pretty bad!

Whilst mowing my lawn this morning I look up to the universe and say, ‘Cheers for that, I thought you were giving me a gift…yeah…thanks!’ Sarcasm in full flow. I sat with the thoughts feeling very negative when suddenly the gift manifested. You see the universe works in mysterious ways and this negative dark road that I was travelling was suddenly lit up with the light bulb moment because the universe is showing me very very clearly that this relationship that was so full of hope, so full of joy and of positivity has turned into something quite unsavoury. The universe is saying, ‘Wake up!’ I have been living in this relationship for a good few years on the ‘happy memories’ but there are no more new happy memories being made.

It’s a bit like when you make an investment, you start off getting a good return on your money but then the investment suddenly stops paying the dividends. You wouldn’t think twice about cutting a bad deal would you? This leads me to the wonderment of why I’m finding it hard to cut ties with a relationship that has turned so unsavoury, the dividends dwindling year on year, of course love is the major factor because when a relationship dies the love doesn’t, well not for me anyway. Love, it’s probably the most powerful force in the universe, no wonder I’m struggling then! The universe is sending me a very strong message though and that too is a powerful force. It’s telling me, showing me through my mental health that all is not well and that it’s time to face the music!

And so I sit, in a sea of pain of what is to come, of recognising that a chapter in this book of life is coming to an end but I’m not ready for it, I don’t feel ready, hence the battle, the pain! I’m not good at letting go of the people I love, to those that hold such significance in my life, however much pain there is. But when your life becomes more painful with that loved one in it than when they are absent, well, it’s time to act isn’t it?