Ouch!

My body is saying ouch, it is really hurting but the physical discomfort is very much due to the emotional distress of the events over the last ten days. I am so full of tears that sometimes I feel I will drown from the inside out. Giddy with emotion, with the sure and certain knowledge that I am going to have to make some very painful choices and wondering if I will have the strength to carry it through. When I truly love someone, truly care about them then what they say, how they talk to me and treat me can have devastating consequences! Yes…devastating! Twenty two years ago I was diagnosed with depression, brought on by a variety of life changing events, not easy to write about as there are people with whom the passing on of such information could cause distress and I really would not want to cause pain to anyone let alone those that I love. I was diagnosed about fifteen years ago with Emotional Instability Disorder but the diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder was only named about four months ago. I’m still coming to terms with that diagnosis, in fact I am indeed questioning it, I do have traits of it but one could argue that we all have traits of a variety of so called ‘Disorders.’ However for me the diagnosis does have to resonate, EID certainly does whilst BPD? Well the jury is still out on that one. There are some whom I’ve met along this journey of living with a mental illness who hate being labelled, personally I find it extremely useful, they help me to understand what and why I’m impacted in the way I am. Whilst most people seem able to brush aside a careless remark for me it can feel like a real body blow, a sickening thud accompanied with such panic that I want to take my own life! Death seems infinitely less painful. I’m guessing that some of you, who are kindly taking the time to read this, will simply not be able to fathom such feelings, to be honest if I hadn’t struggled with depression I’m pretty sure that I would never be able to comprehend.

Life is though and has been arduous, a daily struggle and even on my best days the dark shadow that sits inside, waiting to pounce, to dig its nasty claws in to my flesh is ever present. It rips, it crushes, it’s heavy, like a hand that sits on your chest pushing you down making it impossible to lift yourself out of bed and then the cruel cruel mind, that taunts, malevolent, that never shuts up! For me I have found solace in sleep, I am I think so very lucky because I have the ability to just drift off and I simply cannot imagine my life without this gift. There are days when it feels like you are in this dense fog, the ability of clear thinking has escaped, vanished into thin air…where oh where does it go?

To survive this thing we call life we all need tenacity, family and friends. Emotional support for me is one of the most valuable gifts that we can all give to each other. The willingness of others to share their experiences and knowledge is priceless.